Defense against the Umbran Arts
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Despite his nightmares getting worse and worse every night, Harry Potter is finding that his day life is becoming more and more pleasant. At least, his classes were getting more interesting. Okay, maybe not the classes, but the new teacher has a very cute butt. What's not to love?
1. Chapter 1

"Dolores Umbridge?" McGonagall exclaimed, her voice incredelous. "Teach HERE?"

"I am afraid that is the case." Dumbledore said, his own tone grave. "I have not yet been able to locate a suitable candidate to fulfill the post. If I do not find a suitable person for the position before the end of the week, I will be forced to comply with the Ministry's demands." He shook his head. "It will be disastrous to allow Cornelius to place somone so close to him in our midst like this, but perhaps if we could sway her to our cause..."

"Sway her? Of all people?" She scoffed. "Cornelius is the one in control of the public opinion, and therefore has the most sway in national affairs. Umbridge would never do anything that would even risk her position-"

The door suddenly burst open. They both looked up in surprise, McGonagall whirling around to see the tall, shapely figure standing in the doorway.

She was outlandishly dressed, her cloak barely covering her skin tight white suit adorned with colorful feathers. Her blonde hair was in a ponytail, an oddly simple style.

She strutted into the room, her heels clicking along the floor, her hips swaying from side to side with each step.

"Ah..." Dumbledore rose from his seat. "Jeanne! What an unexpected surprise!" He seemed quite shocked to see this woman, but he was also clearly very pleased.

"Ah, yes. It has been quite a while, hasn't it?" She seemed to almost purr as she slunk into the little wooden stool usually occupied by students. She kicked it aside, sending it spinning through the air, splintering upon contact with the nearby bookshelves, shattering it into several pieces as books began flying.

In it's place, odd, white threads began to crawl out of the ground and began to form together to form what looked like an bizaare mash up of a plush armchair and a throne. She lay down on it, looking over at Dumbledore lazily. "It has been far too long." She said. She raised her leg up into the air and examined it. McGonagall looked on, at a complete loss of words.

"Yes, yes. I trust you bring us news of Voldemort's movements?"

McGonagall was suddenly brought down to earth with a smart crack. She glared at him.

"Well, not EXACTLY." Jeanne said. She lowered her leg, and began to assume a proper sitting position. "Bayonetta has managed to breach Voldemort's defenses again. She will probably be able to follow his every move before he figures out what's going on." She grimaced. "You weren't joking. He really is a monster."

"I trust she's happy, then?" Dumbledore smiled. "I know just how much Bayonetta loves pushing herself."

"Well... that's just it, though." She leaned forward, her expression suddenly very serious. "Bayonetta is satisfied with breaching his barriers and following him around at the moment, because she's never really done anything quite like it before. But believe me... I know her better then anyone. The instant she gets bored, the instant it stops being fun for her... she'll reveal herself and attack him simply because she thinks she can handle it.

"Does Bayonetta believe that she can defeat Voldemort, then?" Dumbledore inquired.

Jeanne shook her head. "She says that she thinks the both of us would struggle." She scoffed. "I think she may have been baiting me to want to go after him ourselves, but I suppose there's a small chance that she wasn't joking. Voldemort isn't human."

"What are you saying?" McGonagall asked, aghast.

"Voldemort is more then just clever. He has amassed many new powers. Inferno is crazy about him, actually." She rolled her eyes. "It's getting far, far too rowdy there." She commented.

"But why have you come here?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well... I think Bayonetta needs a new kind of excitement. She was very excited about challenging her wits against Voldemort. She was far happier then I've usually seen her, actually... but with Inferno starting to act up, I would feel much better if she was..."

"I see you're worried about her." Dumbledore commented with a smile. Jeanne, much to McGonagall's shock, flushed.

"That may be so, but I still feel that she would be better suited doing another kind of work. One where she won't potentially wreck everything you have worked for." She stood, the threads retreating back into the ground... and, now that McGonagall had a better look, back into her own head. "It was nice meeting with you."

She rotated in a circle, and vanished.

"Hmmm... a more laid back operation, a challenge of wits...?" Dumbledore mused. He leaned back into his chair and stroked his beard. "Minerva... what would you say if we invited a Witch of the Umbran clan to teach here, at Hogwarts?

...

_"So, you are the Corpse God that presides over this realm." He sneered as he looked upon the mountain of rotting flesh. "Bound, to this temple... feeding off of the very men sworn to protect your secrets."_

_A limb lashed out. He slashed it apart with his wand, causing it to fall to the ground. The limb was now little more then a stump. _

_"Your followers mean nothing to me, Mantorok!" He said. "Present me with my prize, or else you shall feel the wrath of Lord-"_

"Harry? Harry?" He suddenly became aware that he was being shaken. His eyes flickered open.

"Harry? Are you alright?" Ron looked down at him, panic in his expression as he looked down at him.

"Ron?" He asked.

"Bloody hell, Harry. That was some nightmare!"

"... It was." Harry said. He got to his feet. His entire body was shaking. This... was pure terror...

"Come on, Harry." Ron cajoled, helping him to his feet. "Let's get you back in the real world. A nice cup of tea will do you good."

"I..."

Ron steered him to the door to their room, and opened it. A hellish landscape awaited. A cackling skull tore into the room, burying itself into Ron's head. He screamed in agony as it began eating the skin clear off of his face...

_THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!_

"You okay, Harry?" Ron asked. "Come on, down the stairs..."

Harry followed him out into the hallway. The elf heads leered down at them as they passed by. Harry could almost swear that they were moving their heads to get a better look at them.

"Hermione?" Ron hissed. "what are you...?"

"Shh, Midnight meeting?" She gestured for the two of them to get down. "Jeanne just left!"

"Really? Dammit!" He leaned down over the rampart. Hermione scowled at him.

"She's trash, Ron. Don't you forget it!"

"Who's Jeanne?" Harry asked. He still felt like he was adrift in a fog. Hermione turned to look at him, and nearly shrieked. "Oh my god, Harry. You look terrible!" She jumped to her feet and dashed over to him. "What happened?"

"It was just a nightmare, Hermione." Ron explained. He was still craning his neck over the balcony. "He'll be fine..."

Ron shrieked as the balcony railing supporting his weight suddenly fell to pieces, causing him to lose his balance and plummet to the ground below. The sickening crunch that accompanied the fall-

_THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING_

"Are you sure you're alright, Harry?" Hermione asked. You don't look well at all..."

Harry nodded. "I'll... be fine. Is the meeting over already?"

"I don't think so." Hermione bit her lip. "Jeanne usually just shows up, gives her piece, and then leaves. She's not exactly... err, a dedicated member of the Order." She bit her lip. "Although... Harry, you look dreadful. I think we may need to get someone to take a look at you."

"He's fine, Hermione." Ron said. He turned around to face them. "He does need a cup of tea, though. That was some nightmare."

Ron made as if to step down the stairs, but cursed as his foot made contact with Crookshanks instead. "Ow!"

He hissed before jolting off into the darkness.

"Can't you control that animal of yours, Hermione?"

"Honestly, Ron!"

They moved down the stairs, arguing incessantly. Harry found himself starting to feel more awake.

"Guys..." He said. "Cut it out, would you?"

"He started it!"

"I did not! You put that cat out up to it!"

"What's all this?"

...


	2. Feast

_The Eternal Darkness Approaches _

Harry gave a start as the train started to propel itself forward. He had almost fallen asleep.

"Harry, are you well?" Ginny asked. "You haven't been looking well at all..."

"Huh?" He looked over at her, blinking slightly. "What was that?"

"I said," She said slowly, as if he were something filty. "That if you weren't going to FUCKING answer my question..." She licked her lips. "I would have to eat you up..."

_This can't be happening!_

"Harry, really." Ginny said, her voice concerned as she leaned in closer, observing him. "Ron's told me about your nightmares."

"They're nothing." Harry said, brushing off the comforting hand she placed on his shoulder. He stared out of the window. He had never felt more alone in the Wizarding World.

"Harry, we know..." She hesitated a bit, unsure of what she should say. "We know that Cedric dying was hard for you..." She shook her head. "No, it was hard for all of us."

She was so sweet, comforting. Close. He saw that in her reflection, she gave a soft smile as she raised the knife, slashing it down into the back of his neck.

_This can't be happening!_

He shook his head. "You don't understand."

"Actually, I'm very sure she does." Luna piped up. She had apparently been listening in. She lowered her magazine and stared at Harry, her gaze feeling as if it were penetrating his very soul. "Cedric was willing to help me on my first day, when I didn't have anyone to turn to." She looked back down. "I couldn't find any of my classes, you see, and he was happy to help."

"Yes, Cedric was someone to look up to." Ginny nodded. "Harry, remember what Dumbledore said? At the end of last term?"

He looked over at her, his face blank. "I-"

"Remember Cedric Diggory." She said. "Remember what You-Know-Who did. Remember what he took from you. What he took from us all."

As the train plowed on, Harry found himself starting to smile. True, there would be fights later. But he could overcome them, as long as he had his friends by his side.

And his conversation began to dull, as the train approached it's destination, he found himself catching up on some long lost sleep.

And began to remember exactly why he was dreading the future.

...

"Harry, I really do think you need to see Madame Pomphrey." Hermione was saying as they claimed the steps to the Castle. You are not getting any sleep, that can't be good for you..."

"I'm fine now, really." Harry said adamantly, as he stepped forward. "I'm just nervous, is all."

Hermione bit her lip. "Honestly, Harry... you've been saying that for weeks!"

Ron shot her a look behind Harry's back. "I'm starving!" He declared, clearly trying to change the topic. "What's going to be at the feast?"

"Treacle Tart... I love my Treacle Tart..." Harry hummed happily as they entered the Great Hall.

The hall was lavishly decorated with the usual colors, a sight that comforted Harry as he took his seat at the Gryffindor table.

"Who'd they get for the Defense position this year?" Ron asked, as he and Hermione sat down as well.

Hermione scanned the table carefully. "I don't-"

"It's that Umbridge woman!" Harry hissed. "She was at my hearing!"

"She works for Fudge?" Hermione asked. "No... that can't be right..." She anxiously began scanning the table, searching fruitlessly for any faces that stood out from the crowd.

Dumbledore rose to his feet as he beamed down at them all.

"Welcome back for another year at Hogwarts!" He said, cheerfully. "I am sure you all are anxious to watch the sorting, and afterwards, devour our delicious feast, yet I would like to say a few words before we begin..." He cleared his throat. "Enjoy." He sat down again. Harry snickered at Umbridge's expression as the first years were brought in, staring around them in wonder.

"What is that Umbridge woman doing here?" Hermione hissed. She seemed very uneasy. "A Ministry employee, here?"

Before long, the sorting had ended, and the feast appeared before them.

"He usually introduces new teachers before the feast, doesn't he?"

"Maybe that Umbridge woman isn't teaching?" Ron offered.

"Don't be ridiiculous, Ron. No one else is up there!"

"Now that you are all fed, I suppose it is time to introduce our new staff members." Dumbledore said. "Now, joining us here today is Dolores Umbridge, High Inquisitor of Hogwarts."

Whispers began to penetrate the hall.

"Now, I hope you all offer her a warm welcome. Now, on to the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, I have found-"

"Hem hem."

Umbridge had gotten on her feet, her stubby legs barely giving her any more height.

"Thank you, Headmaster, for those very kind words of welcome..."

A horrifying screech filled the air. People screamed as bats began swarming the great hall. Umbridge herself ducked under the table.

Only Dumbledore himself remained calm. He looked on, and somehow, his mere prescence prevented an outright panic.

The bats all converged onto a single spot, where an explosion of black matter surrounded a single spot.

Then, a long black adorned leg stepped out from the shadows.

"May I introduce our-"

"newly inducted Defense against the Dark Arts Professor." She said. Smiling slightly, she threw her hands up in to the air and posed. It was like a spot light followed her wherever she went. "Bayonetta."


	3. Chapter 3

"I still prefer Jeanne." Ron complained as they walked to their first Defense class for the year. Hermione scowled at him, possibly even more fiercely then usual.

"Who is Jeanne?" Harry asked. The name had been tossed around rather infrequently during his stay at Grimmauld Place, yet Ron had been making off cuff remarks about her ever since the Feast.

Hermione sniffed. "A member of the Order. She's nothing special, really."

"She's amazing, Harry!" Ron said, his face shining."

"In reality," She said, clearly annoyed. "She is pompous, arrogant, condescending..."

"-She's really funny." Ron said earnestly. "And she tells the coolest stories."

"All of which are lies."

"But she's an Umbran Witch." Ron countered. "They were known to do crazy stuff like that."

"Umbran Witches?" Harry repeated. He adjusted his glasses as they turned a corner.

Hermione tut-tutted to herself, as she looked over at Harry. "Honestly, Harry... don't you read?"

"Besides, we've discussed this with you before." Ron said. "Did you forget?"

"I suppose I did." Harry said. "Who are they, then?"

"Who were, they, you should say." Hermione coughed. "They are pretty much extinct."

"Extinct?"

"Died out, ages ago." She waved her hand vaguely. "No one can agree on the dates..."

"But Jeanne is one?"

"Apparently." She scowled again. "According to Sirius, anyway."

"Okay, but what is an Umbran Witch?"

"Harry, I have told you this before." Hermione frowned. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm great, Hermione. Really."

She looked over him, clearly questioning his words, as they opened the door to the classroom.

It was chaos.

The windows lay in little glass pieces on the floor, right next to the broken and overturned desks.

Hermione let out a small scream. Pages of books were fluttering down from above.

"Ah, yes. Greetings."

She seemed to not be in the mood for dramatic entrances. Her feet, adorned with heels and guns, lay propper up on the desk, as she leaned back in her chair. She was holding a lollipoop, threading it in her fingers.

"Come to me." She said, smiling slightly.

Harry found himself stepping forward first, and did not realize that Ron and Hermione had not moved at all until he was halfway across the room.

"Yes... that's right." She purred. She sat up in her chair, her long legs tucking neatly beneath the desk. She licked her lips as she flipped through the book of names on her desk. "And you would be..."

Harry swallowed. "Potter."

"Well met, Mr. Potter."

This was a very clear dismissal. Harry felt like his heart was a flutter as he turned and walked to a desk. To his annoyance, the ones in the front were already taken...

After Ron and Hermione were seated on either side of him (Ron looking rather starstruck, Hermione extremely annoyed) the entire class sat.

They watched the front of the room with bated breath. Backs straight, chest out (Harry had made sure to make an attempt to comb his hair when his back was turned!) Their eyes glued to the front of the room. Their new professor seemed to have that strange ability to keep a class silent without effort. She was sitting back in her chair, aloof, not even paying attention to them.

The tension in the air absolutely-

With a resounding crash, the desk soared across the room, slamming into the door. Harry instinctively ducked, pulling Ron and Hermione down with him under their own desk.

The pieces of the desk burst into a hundred pieces upon contact with the wall, wooden shards clattering to the floor like raindrops.

The sound of heels tapping across the floor reached their ears. Harry clambered back into his seat to face their Professor.

"Like mice, they hide, they run, they feast on remains." She said. "Things happen. Mice have no power over the world. They cannot control when they are born, what they have to eat, where they live, and what will eventually end them."

She stomped her foot. The water in the lake outside suddenly shot up into the sky, as if animated by her emotion.

"You are no different! Cowering from the strange, the unusual! Unable to comprehend anything different! Unwilling to try anything new!"

The entire class sat in silence, taking in her words. Harry stared at her, entirely taken in by her words.

"There is nothing you can do to change human nature. Nothing." She said, with a tinge of finality.

And then, slowly, right next to Harry, Hermione raised her hand.

"What is it?" She turned to face her, her heels clicking against the cground.

"But that's not true at all!" Hermione said. "We all-"

"None of you are able to control your fates." She said. "The world is complicated. Vast, far beyond human understanding." She adjusted her glasses. "To truly put an end to human suffering is impossible."

"Then what's the point?" Ron said. He got up out of his chair to glare at her. "If we're so worthless, why go on living?"

"I do it because it's fun." She said. She smiled. "That's not the case for all of you, I'm sure."

She turned once more, and strutted back to the front of the room. Harry, despite himself, could not quite pull his eyes away from her butt.

"Because it's fun?" Hermione said incredously. "What kind of answer is-"

"It is my answer." She said. "What you think of it means nothing."

"We're all different." Harry said. His friends looked at him, inquistively. "We all value different things, have different goals. But we all have one thing in common." He swallowed. "We are alive, and want to stay that way."

"Very good, Mr. Potter." She purred. "Your book, please?"

She raised her hand, and Harry, feeling rather anxious all of a sudden, reached into his bag, grabbed his copy of Defensive Magical theory, and got up to hand her his copy.

She threw it out the window.

"Knowledge cannot be truly taught." She said. "There are so many ways to look at things, as many ways of thinking as there are people. Wisdom, the essence of Nayru, can only be learned."

"So... teachers are worthless then?" Ron said dubiously.

She laughed. "Fortunatly for you, no." She teased. "This is just the message I want to imprint upon you, before we truly begin."

"... This entire debacle had a point?" Hermione asked.

"Yes." She did not elaborate any further. "Class dismissed."

The class looked at each other, bemused expressions all across their faces. Class had not even begun.

...

A/N: Guys, guys guys guys... I cannot even begin to tell you just how happy all of your feed back is. Even little things, like notifications that tell me that someone new has decided to favorite this story, has really begun to make my day whenever it happens. Really, you're all lovely people. Thank you all so much!

... Of course, I feel obligated to step up my game for possible future updates, so... yeah, expect a little more effort put into future chapters. This one needs to be updated now, because... well, I wanted to tell you how special you are. :) This is not what I consider my best work, but I'll try and make it more interesting for you.

Umm... What else? I'm actually planning on attending college this semester, just a fair warning that I may not have quite as much free time as I do now.


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